I cannot remember how many times I said that line these past few days when friends and colleagues would ask me how I'm coping with the series of unfortunate events that happened in my life recently. What's funny is that when I say it, my mind would shout back at me; "PAANO NAGING OK YUN? BAKIT GANUN DAPAT MANGYARI?"
It's scary knowing what a dangerous combination of a bitter heart and a jaded mind can do to your sanity, but in my case, it's just made me wanna write again.
Now Playing: Can't Keep Loving You (From A Distance) - Elliot Yamin
I don't do well with distance. The main reason I wanna have a relationship is proximity. A warm body; a gentle hand; a kindred soul and an intellectual counterpart. I do not need a text-mate, an email buddy or a phone pal. Relationships need spontaneity and excitement, not schedules and time-frames. Don't get me wrong. I am not playing the victim here and I'm not saying these things to justify whatever shitty things we did in the past. Life is not a Hollywood movie with a great script and storyline. Life is just like porn; sweaty, dirty and has bad lighting. We did things. Things we regret, things we'd rather forget and things I would write down in my biography. And this business with distance didn't just happen once. It happened over and over and to be honest, I don't want to deal with it anymore.
Now Playing: Battlefield - Jordin Sparks
I only believe in fighting for someone when that someone wants you to fight for him. I've had one too may relationships to realize that it will always take two to tango. And I've been stupid enough to dance tango on my own. And believe me, it will just make you look crazy and pathetic. I hate looking pathetic, but I secretly enjoy sympathy.
Now Playing: Bedshaped - Keane
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I hate that I'm so transparent when I'm hurting. You can easily see anger or pain in me. I've fought back tears over and over these past few days. and I think I'm about to burst. I'm just waiting for the right person to rant and cry to.
Now Playing - On My Own - from Les Miserables
Reality check: I'm on my own now. I don't have anyone to sleep beside me, share a meal or a smoke with. I don't have anyone to share the events of the day or vent out my frustrations to. I don't have anyone to cook for. I don't have anyone to love or love me back.
You ought to be getting bored reading this by now...
Now Playing: Erase/Rewind - The Cardigans
We've all been through so much in life and I'm sure we've all accepted by now that you cannot turn back time. But what if we could? Would we really go back and change things to avoid feeling the pain of heartbreak? What if that meant losing the happy memories you once had as well? I have been through so much hurt in the past, and caused pain to someone I loved as well. But I never once wished I could reverse the clock and take away the bad experiences. I guess it made me who I am right now; bitter but better and; tougher but kinder.
Now Playing: Overload - Sugababes
I think I've had enough. No. I really have had enough. I feel so upset and angry and frustrated. I have not released this pent up emotions I'm carrying in me. I think I need to scream and break things. I wanna curse the people who hurt me and make them feel whatever hurt I'm feeling now. I think I am one taunt away from punching the living daylights out of the person who hurt me. But maturity is getting the best of me. But hell, I still wanna beat you up. And I'm using a lot of energy to control myself. I don't believe in saying sorry for hurting other people. The damage is done. No amount of sorry-ass "sorry"'s will ever fix that.
Whew.
Now Playing: Grenade - Bruno Mars
No. I will not catch a grenade for you. I'm thinking of throwing one at you. LOL.
Now Playing: Ke$ha
Getting drunk has taught me a lesson; alcohol will just cover the pain temporarily, but the friends who share a bottle with you will never leave you. People think drinking will do nothing good but what they do not know is that a person who drinks don't like the taste of alcohol, what he enjoys is the friends gathered around him; sharing stories of sorrow and success; dreams and failures and; finding love and losing it. A non-drinker will never know the feeling of the bond only alcohol can create.
Now Playing: Boston - Augustana
Like what the song says: "You don't know me, you don't even care, you don't know me, and you don't wear my chains..."
You will never know the hurt. you will never know the suffering.
I wanted to end this with a happy, optimistic thought, but I don't have any. And forgiveness is so out of the question.
OK lang yan. Ganun talaga ko.
OK lang yan. Ganun talaga ko.
